Each cry for help is ignored, each time I reach for someones hand to save me mine is smacked away. What’s the point in life when there’s nothing to live for, no friends, no family, all they do is throw you down and push your face in the dirt. I’m not good enough, I never have been and never will be, I’m unloveable. Hell if my own mother couldn’t love me who would? I’m tired of this fight I’m so tired. The emotional bruises hurt more than visable ones ever have, maybe dying wouldn’t be as painful as living.
Endometriosis. It sucks, to say the least. But did you know there are more than 200,000 cases in the US alone, and that’s only the ones that are documented.
The medical dictionary defines endometriosis as
A disorder in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus.
But that’s is not merely all it is. Endo isn’t just painful cramps, bad periods, and occasionally pain somewhere else.
Endometriosis comes in different stages, I was diagnosed with sever or stage IV endometriosis.
Endometriosis is/can be (symptoms)
- Pain areas: in the lower abdomen, lower back, pelvis, rectum, or vagina
- Menstrual: abnormal menstruation, heavy menstruation, irregular menstruation, painful menstruation, or spotting
- Pain circumstances: can occur during sexual intercourse or while defecating or with any type of stress or overexertion
- Gastrointestinal: constipation or nausea
- Abdominal: abdominal fullness or cramping
- Also common: infertility
- Joint pain
- Nerve pain
- Chronic fatigue
- Excessive bleeding
- Painful digestion
My personal symptoms for stage IV endometriosis are
- Chronic fatigue
- Painful digestion
- Joint pain
- Nerve pain
- Lower back and abdominal pain
- Painful intercourse and periods
- Sciatic nerve
Tests to check for physical clues of endometriosis include:
Pelvic exam. During a pelvic exam, your doctor manually feels (palpates) areas in your pelvis for abnormalities, such as cysts on your reproductive organs or scars behind your uterus. Often it’s not possible to feel small areas of endometriosis, unless they’ve caused a cyst to form.
Ultrasound. This test uses high-frequency sound waves to create images of the inside of your body. To capture the images, a device called a transducer is either pressed against your abdomen or inserted into your vagina (transvaginal ultrasound). Both types of ultrasound may be done to get the best view of your reproductive organs. Ultrasound imaging won’t definitively tell your doctor whether you have endometriosis, but it can identify cysts associated with endometriosis (endometriomas).
Laparoscopy. Medical management is usually tried first. But to be certain you have endometriosis, your doctor may refer you to a surgeon to look inside your abdomen for signs of endometriosis using a surgical procedure called laparoscopy.
While you’re under general anesthesia, your surgeon makes a tiny incision near your navel and inserts a slender viewing instrument (laparoscope), looking for endometrial tissue outside the uterus. He or she may take samples of tissue (biopsy). Laparoscopy can provide information about the location, extent and size of the endometrial implants to help determine the best treatment options.
I have stage IV endometriosis. Which is severe.
For me it pairs hand in hand with my depression. The chronic fatigue effects my depression in a very bad way that makes me both physically and mentally exhausted. Which given that then doubles my headaches. I have unbearable pain come and go or sometimes stay for days in my hips, abdomen and legs due to my sciatic nerve. I can’t eat certain foods crazy enough like meat and I can eat very little dairy.
Sex most the time sucks. It’s painful or I don’t want it because of the pain. It is no way my fiancés fault. I try and try to explain it but he does not get it. It takes a toll on my relationship wanting to have intercourse but not being able or being able and not wanting to in case a flare up.
My diet mostly consists of veggies, chicken(very little meat upsets my digestion very badly), Salmon, fruits, but mostly veggies and fruits. Red meat,like steak, causes my digestion to kill me and cause pain all in my bowls and pelvis. If I do order steak or the sort I have to get it rare. The rarer the meat it seems, my body can digest it easier but that just may be me.
It sucks having stairs in a house. If you have endometriosis you know what I mean. You never know what abdominal muscles you use walking up stairs until you’re in pain.
I don’t get to physically play with my children much because a flare or fear of one. It saddens me I can’t go and do these things like they’re dad that they want. It saddens me that the pain some times makes me snappy and I hurt one of their feelings.
On my 21st birthday I will not be able to drink because alcohol makes it so much worse.
Don’t get me started on cleaning. Okay so I’m a 5 foot flat girl, I can’t reach much, reaching and picking stuff up, bending over, even the simplistic of tasks get to be unbearable with due time and especially with razor sharp pain. That coupled with major fatigue and depression is not a good trio at all.
Now on to endometriosis and my weight. It is proven that weight gain or loss can effect endo and it’s pain severity. For me getting pregnant with my second brought on a whole different deals of sorts. I gained a lot of weight I’m not talking 20lbs I’m talking I went from 116 to 176. Yeah. My rapid weight gain over those nine months coupled with a c-section just set my endometriosis into fits. I have a belly pudge like most moms or people who have gained weight, my thing is though mine isn’t entierly fat. It’s scar tissue and endometriosis. It can cause major bloating and depending where the tissue has attached in the body can make you stomach bloat out a lot.
In time I’ll go into more about my Endometriosis and living with it and depression. If you know anyone who thinks they may have it or you think you may have it I urge you to ask your doctor for a test for it. The sooner you find out the sooner you can help work towards a cure for you and all of us.
Thanks for reading,
even though I’m doing what I love.
Sometimes I feel lonely
even though I’m in a crowded room.
Sometimes I feel ignored
even though I’m talking.
Sometimes I feel unimportant
even though I’m told otherwise.
Sometimes I feel useless
even though I’m depended on.
Sometimes I feel scared
even though I’m smiling.
But that’s only sometimes.
And I know I’m going to be okay.
Because I am everything I’ve ever
wanted to be.
And I have a life like no other.
Thanks for reading,
Her soul was like a stained glass window. Stained with sin but full of many beautiful colors. But this window only distorts what you see of her, there is a fire in her heart. A fire that reflects though her soul and makes the colors dance. This fire which sometimes got so out of hand it just burst out. Lashing and burning everything in its path until only ashes are left where there was once beauty and peace. She tries to surpress this fire, this power, this demon. But it’s a losing battle. A day to day struggle. For this fire is wild and untameable. This fire is free and blazing and awe inspiring. But dangerous. There was once a boy who dared to try to tame this flame within the young girls heart. He succeeded for a while, but eventually he too got burned and turned his back on the girl. This broke the girls heart and left the fire to do as it may. Since then the girl with the stained soul and burning heart has learned how to be stronger, wiser, more human if you will. She has learned faliure is temporary and to try try again. She has learned to take hold of that fire and keep it under control through sheer will. Yes it is still a daily struggle. Yes it still lashes out, but she extinnguishes it as soon as she feels it start to burn in her chest. Sometimes though she is not quick enough. But as she has learned faliure is temporary. So the girl with the burning heart and stained glass soul has learned to love herself. Fire and all. For her colors can not dance with out this flame.
Thanks for reading,
As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts I struggle with depression. I often describe that ever lingering presence in my mind as a shadow. It comes out and stays around even on the sunniest of days. I don’t know why it happens or how but it just happens and no matter how hard I try to get rid of it, it stays around like a forever stain in my mind.
Recently I’ve been put on 100mg of Zoloft to help make this shadow not to linger as often and for darkness to not be as dark. Sort of like a flash lights beam in a pitch black cave, a beacon to go in the right direction.
Depression is isolating. It is a monster that will consume your every good thought and feeling and turn it into some twisted nightmare.
This shadow, this monster, turns you into your own worst enemy. Making you self destruct, cut yourself off from the outside world, talk and trust no one because it makes you believe nobody cares at all.
Many times I’ve let this beast in my mind destroy everything I’ve ever had. Many times has it made me lie awake at night unable to sleep from the worst thoughts clouding my mind, many times has it made me say to my self I am useless, worthless, a waste of space nobody cares about. I’d be better off dead.
No matter how much anyone told me they loved me, needed me, cared for me all I could think was they’d be better off without me making them so miserable.
This little blue pill called Zoloft has helped ease these thoughts, has helped give me courage to fight this beast. It helps me see there is hope of getting rid of it and of learning to conquer it.
It is still a daily struggle and a lot of times those thoughts have still plagued my mind, but I can sense and tell it’s getting better. I’ve got a more firm grip on reality, I’ve got a great many of people who care, yes some days I still want to just disappear but those days are getting fewer.
If you struggle from depression too I want to hear about your monster, each persons shadow is different, let us start a community dedicated to helping those like us.
Thanks for reading,
This is the post excerpt.
Hello world and welcome to my first blog post on Through the Eyes of a MoonChild. This blog will follow my endeavors as a mother/step mother, photographer, military wife, and the constant fight against the shadow in my mind called depression. I start this blog on the day Donald Trump is elected president because it just seems fitting.
Let me tell you a bit about myself I am a mother of four children under 4, two boys and two girls. I am a step mother and military wife. I am a photographer based in the heart or Columbia, South Carolina. I am 21 and born in July in the heart of Cancerian season. I struggle with chronic depression, Bipolar disorder, and just the daily struggles of being a mom. This is my journey in life, a peek at the world through the eyes of a moon child.
My name is Lindsey but most everyone calls me Lizzy. I have struggled with depression since I was 8 years old and became a mom at 16 to a beautiful girl named Scarlett who will be four in July of 2017. My two step children I’ve had since they were 9 months old my daughter Abby and since my son Mason was two. We have just added a new addition to our family our youngest Samuel who will be one in March of 2017. Despite being a young mother I did graduate and go to collage. I have a graphics and photography degree.
I’ve been a photographer since the summer of 2013 when my daughter was born I got into taking photos of her and my love of it just grew from there.
I will update my blog every day or at least try to, if you have any questions or comments please leave them I’d love to chat with you all.
For now have a wonderful Friday.