Each cry for help is ignored, each time I reach for someones hand to save me mine is smacked away. What’s the point in life when there’s nothing to live for, no friends, no family, all they do is throw you down and push your face in the dirt. I’m not good enough, I never have been and never will be, I’m unloveable. Hell if my own mother couldn’t love me who would? I’m tired of this fight I’m so tired. The emotional bruises hurt more than visable ones ever have, maybe dying wouldn’t be as painful as living.
As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts I struggle with depression. I often describe that ever lingering presence in my mind as a shadow. It comes out and stays around even on the sunniest of days. I don’t know why it happens or how but it just happens and no matter how hard I try to get rid of it, it stays around like a forever stain in my mind.
Recently I’ve been put on 100mg of Zoloft to help make this shadow not to linger as often and for darkness to not be as dark. Sort of like a flash lights beam in a pitch black cave, a beacon to go in the right direction.
Depression is isolating. It is a monster that will consume your every good thought and feeling and turn it into some twisted nightmare.
This shadow, this monster, turns you into your own worst enemy. Making you self destruct, cut yourself off from the outside world, talk and trust no one because it makes you believe nobody cares at all.
Many times I’ve let this beast in my mind destroy everything I’ve ever had. Many times has it made me lie awake at night unable to sleep from the worst thoughts clouding my mind, many times has it made me say to my self I am useless, worthless, a waste of space nobody cares about. I’d be better off dead.
No matter how much anyone told me they loved me, needed me, cared for me all I could think was they’d be better off without me making them so miserable.
This little blue pill called Zoloft has helped ease these thoughts, has helped give me courage to fight this beast. It helps me see there is hope of getting rid of it and of learning to conquer it.
It is still a daily struggle and a lot of times those thoughts have still plagued my mind, but I can sense and tell it’s getting better. I’ve got a more firm grip on reality, I’ve got a great many of people who care, yes some days I still want to just disappear but those days are getting fewer.
If you struggle from depression too I want to hear about your monster, each persons shadow is different, let us start a community dedicated to helping those like us.
Thanks for reading,