My sun and stars

They say you fall in love with three people in your life, ones to teach you a lesson, ones to show you what you don’t want, and the lastly the one you never want to let go, your life partner. I can honestly and soundly say I’ve had all three of these people in my life, hence my three failed engagements. 

My life partner and I arejtbseeing eye to eye at the moment and it’s ripping e to shreds. It makes me second think, maybe this isn’t the path I’m supposed to take. Maybe somebody else is out there and this was just a temporary fix to a broken heart. I’m not sure about anything anymore really I feel like my thoughts are a constant monsoon flooding my mind. My emotions are a hurricane in my chest and I’m not sure what to think or feel anymore. 
I am wholely convinced that real love doesn’t exist any more. That people just want some one to do things for them. That they don’t love the person they love the things said person does for them. 

All I know is no matter what he will always be my sun and stars, my life partner, my best friend. 


My Second Silent Fight

Endometriosis. It sucks, to say the least. But did you know there are more than 200,000 cases in the US alone, and that’s only the ones that are documented. 

First let’s look at what endometriosis is.

The medical dictionary defines endometriosis as 

A disorder in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus.

But that’s is not merely all it is. Endo isn’t just painful cramps, bad periods, and occasionally pain somewhere else.

Endometriosis comes in different stages, I was diagnosed with sever or stage IV endometriosis.

Endometriosis is/can be (symptoms)

  • Pain areas: in the lower abdomen, lower back, pelvis, rectum, or vagina
  • Menstrual: abnormal menstruation, heavy menstruation, irregular menstruation, painful menstruation, or spotting
  • Pain circumstances: can occur during sexual intercourse or while defecating or with any type of stress or overexertion
  •  Gastrointestinal: constipation or nausea
  • Abdominal: abdominal fullness or cramping
  • Also common: infertility
  • Migraines 
  • Joint pain
  • Nerve pain
  • Chronic fatigue 
  • Excessive bleeding 
  • Painful digestion 

    My personal symptoms for stage IV endometriosis are 

    1. Chronic fatigue 
    2. Painful digestion
    3. Joint pain
    4. Nerve pain
    5. Lower back and abdominal pain
    6. Painful intercourse and periods
    7. Migraines 
    8. Sciatic nerve 

    There is no cure. Not child birth, not a hysterectomy, not medications, no procedures. It requires a medical diagnoses and can be diagnosed by  

    Tests to check for physical clues of endometriosis include:
    Pelvic exam. During a pelvic exam, your doctor manually feels (palpates) areas in your pelvis for abnormalities, such as cysts on your reproductive organs or scars behind your uterus. Often it’s not possible to feel small areas of endometriosis, unless they’ve caused a cyst to form.

    Ultrasound. This test uses high-frequency sound waves to create images of the inside of your body. To capture the images, a device called a transducer is either pressed against your abdomen or inserted into your vagina (transvaginal ultrasound). Both types of ultrasound may be done to get the best view of your reproductive organs. Ultrasound imaging won’t definitively tell your doctor whether you have endometriosis, but it can identify cysts associated with endometriosis (endometriomas).

    Laparoscopy. Medical management is usually tried first. But to be certain you have endometriosis, your doctor may refer you to a surgeon to look inside your abdomen for signs of endometriosis using a surgical procedure called laparoscopy.
    While you’re under general anesthesia, your surgeon makes a tiny incision near your navel and inserts a slender viewing instrument (laparoscope), looking for endometrial tissue outside the uterus. He or she may take samples of tissue (biopsy). Laparoscopy can provide information about the location, extent and size of the endometrial implants to help determine the best treatment options.

    Now that we have went through all the medical terminology let’s look at how it effects life, or in this case my life and my specific case of it.

    I have stage IV endometriosis. Which is severe. 

    For me it pairs hand in hand with my depression. The chronic fatigue effects my depression in a very bad way that makes me both physically and mentally exhausted. Which given that then doubles my headaches. I have unbearable pain come and go or sometimes stay for days in my hips, abdomen and legs due to my sciatic nerve. I can’t eat certain foods crazy enough like meat and I can eat very little dairy. 

    Sex most the time sucks. It’s painful or I don’t want it because of the pain. It is no way my fiancés fault. I try and try to explain it but he does not get it. It takes a toll on my relationship wanting to have intercourse but not being able or being able and not wanting to in case a flare up.

    My diet mostly consists of veggies, chicken(very little meat upsets my digestion very badly), Salmon, fruits, but mostly veggies and fruits. Red meat,like steak, causes my digestion to kill me and cause pain all in my bowls and pelvis. If I do order steak or the sort I have to get it rare. The rarer the meat it seems, my body can digest it easier but that just may be me.

    It sucks having stairs in a house. If you have endometriosis you know what I mean. You never know what abdominal muscles you use walking up stairs until you’re in pain. 

    I don’t get to physically play with my children much because a flare or fear of one. It saddens me I can’t go and do these things like they’re dad that they want. It saddens me that the pain some times makes me snappy and I hurt one of their feelings. 

    On my 21st birthday I will not be able to drink because alcohol makes it so much worse. 

    Don’t get me started on cleaning. Okay so I’m a 5 foot flat girl, I can’t reach much, reaching and picking stuff up, bending over, even the simplistic of tasks get to be unbearable with due time and especially with razor sharp pain. That coupled with major fatigue and depression is not a good trio at all. 

    Now on to endometriosis and my weight. It is proven that weight gain or loss can effect endo and it’s pain severity. For me getting pregnant with my second brought on a whole different deals of sorts. I gained a lot of weight I’m not talking 20lbs I’m talking I went from 116 to 176. Yeah. My rapid weight gain over those nine months coupled with a c-section just set my endometriosis into fits. I have a belly pudge like most moms or people who have gained weight, my thing is though mine isn’t entierly fat. It’s scar tissue and endometriosis. It can cause major bloating and depending where the tissue has attached in the body can make you stomach bloat out a lot. 

    In time I’ll go into more about my Endometriosis and living with it and depression. If you know anyone who thinks they may have it or you think you may have it I urge you to ask your doctor for a test for it. The sooner you find out the sooner you can help work towards a cure for you and all of us. 
    Thanks for reading,


    Tiny Handcuffs

    Someone once said a wedding ring is the tinest pair of handcuffs so chose your partner wisely. 

    For months now that saying has rattled around in my head nonstop. 

    I have no clue why but just the thought of marriage now scares me. What if he is only with me for the kids? What if he doesn’t really love me? Am I ok with the rest of my life being like this? 

    I love my partner with all of my heart and I am in love with him. But what if he really doesn’t feel the same? I think everyone goes through this when in a serious relationship and not married yet. 

    People say marriage is just a piece of paper but for me it’s so much more.

    It’s choosing to change who I am my name and all to become one with you. It’s choosing to love you and only you, it’s choosing to promise to be by your side through the worst and best of times, it’s choosing to love someone so much more than yourself that you would bind yourself for enternity to them. 

    For me marriage is so much more than a piece of paper. My ring symbolizes so much more than what people think. 
    I’m just scared he won’t want me to be his partner and is with me for the wrong reasons. That he’d marry me and second guess himself and not want to be handcuffed together by the tinest cuffs. 

    I guess with deployment coming up I am on edge.
    Thanks for reading,


    Fire and the Stained Glass Window

    Her soul was like a stained glass window. Stained with sin but full of many beautiful colors. But this window only distorts what you see of her, there is a fire in her heart. A fire that reflects though her soul and makes the colors dance. This fire which sometimes got so out of hand it just burst out. Lashing and burning everything in its path until only ashes are left where there was once beauty and peace. She tries to surpress this fire, this power, this demon. But it’s a losing battle. A day to day struggle. For this fire is wild and untameable. This fire is free and blazing and awe inspiring. But dangerous. There was once a boy who dared to try to tame this flame within the young girls heart. He succeeded for a while, but eventually he too got burned and turned his back on the girl. This broke the girls heart and left the fire to do as it may. Since then the girl with the stained soul and burning heart has learned how to be stronger, wiser, more human if you will. She has learned faliure is temporary and to try try again. She has learned to take hold of that fire and keep it under control through sheer will. Yes it is still a daily struggle. Yes it still lashes out, but she extinnguishes it as soon as she feels it start to burn in her chest. Sometimes though she is not quick enough. But as she has learned faliure is temporary. So the girl with the burning heart and stained glass soul has learned to love herself. Fire and all. For her colors can not dance with out this flame.

    Thanks for reading,


    Learning to have a Healthy Marriage 

    Wanna know the key to a happy and healthy relationship? Keep it private. Keep it off social media. Never let anyone know when your home is unhappy because that’s an invitation for people to interfere. Don’t post about fights online or financial troubles, heck don’t even talk to people in person about it, unless it’s your family or one close friend and even then don’t tell too much into it. Dustin and I may fight and argue but it’s never too bad and I only vent to one person and that’s usually my sister who is never really listening anyways. You will never see anything but happiness and smiles on Facebook or Instagram because I learned my lesson with my past relationship with posting about your personal drama online. It invites unwanted visitors into it. 

    Communicate. I cannot stress this enough. Don’t push them away(a bad habit I have) or bottle it up (another habit) or be passive aggressive (yet again) be open with each other. Talk about your day, any emotions you may be feeling, anything they’ve done to make you mad or unhappy or sad or anything, just talk to them be open. I cannot tell you how effective it is for you and your partner and how it will help avoid petty fights and arguments. Try not to raise your voice or lose control of your emotions.       

    If you have kids or are a blended family like mine, parenting styles for the two of you may be different, and that’s okay. Try to come together and try different things to see what works for both of you and what you both agree on. Dustin and I are still working on this.

    And lastly don’t forget the little things. A kiss goodbye and I love before heading out to work in the morning can do miracles for anyone’s day. Plan a movie night where you just order pizza and veg out in bed watching stupid comedies on Netflix. Plan a family fun day where you can go to the park and while the kids play you and your partner can have some much needed conversation time. Guys bring her a flower just a cheap one or one you picked or some food I promise she will love it and brighten her day, ladies watch the game with him or pick up the controller and let him teach you how to play, or make him his favorite dessert it’s always a nice surprise. 

    Don’t forget you guys are a team. Don’t let anyone disrespect your partner because that’s disrespecting you too. Don’t forget you guys have goals of your own and together. Don’t forget to slow down sometimes and just enjoy each other’s company, cuddles and love. Just don’t forget to be in love. Take it from someone who’s had relationship after relationship flop, and finally tried something different and is finally happy.
    Thanks for reading,


    Little Blue Pill

    As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts I struggle with depression. I often describe that ever lingering presence in my mind as a shadow. It comes out and stays around even on the sunniest of days. I don’t know why it happens or how but it just happens and no matter how hard I try to get rid of it, it stays around like a forever stain in my mind. 

    Recently I’ve been put on 100mg of Zoloft to help make this shadow not to linger as often and for darkness to not be as dark. Sort of like a flash lights beam in a pitch black cave, a beacon to go in the right direction. 

    Depression is isolating. It is a monster that will consume your every good thought and feeling and turn it into some twisted nightmare. 

    This shadow, this monster, turns you into your own worst enemy. Making you self destruct, cut yourself off from the outside world, talk and trust no one because it makes you believe nobody cares at all. 

    Many times I’ve let this beast in my mind destroy everything I’ve ever had. Many times has it made me lie awake at night unable to sleep from the worst thoughts clouding my mind, many times has it made me say to my self I am useless, worthless, a waste of space nobody cares about. I’d be better off dead.

    No matter how much anyone told me they loved me, needed me, cared for me all I could think was they’d be better off without me making them so miserable. 

    This little blue pill called Zoloft has helped ease these thoughts, has helped give me courage to fight this beast. It helps me see there is hope of getting rid of it and of learning to conquer it. 

    It is still a daily struggle and a lot of times those thoughts have still plagued my mind, but I can sense and tell it’s getting better. I’ve got a more firm grip on reality, I’ve got a great many of people who care, yes some days I still want to just disappear but those days are getting fewer. 
    If you struggle from depression too I want to hear about your monster, each persons shadow is different, let us start a community dedicated to helping those like us. 

    Thanks for reading,